Work in Process
The Your Stories blogs are a place where women can bravely and authentically tell their story as it really is. We invite women to collide with Jesus and share how He is meeting them, transforming them and redeeming them. We hope this “your story” meets you in yours…
The best way I know how to journal is to write a prayer to God. In writing this post, I was struggling with vulnerability and authenticity. Trying to make sure I use the right words and convey what I am feeling perfectly. However, part of what God is teaching me right now is learning to be comfortable with not being a finished product and bringing my raw, unfiltered emotions to him. So, here is where I am at now. It’s messy but I know that God can bring peace and understanding to any season, he has asked me to share the process.
Hi again. You have been so good and faithful to me. Thank you for your consistency in presence and your protection. You never let go, even when I am so far away. Thank you for calling me your child.
As I wrap up my college career, I am overcome with anxious thoughts and feelings. Being a student has been such an integral part of my being and identity for as long as I can remember. I have been so thankful for that identity. I love being a student. I love having a consistent place to learn and work with others. School has been a safe haven at times. Having the routine of school has gotten me out of bed through times of deep depression and unsure thoughts of the future. I have made my best friends in both high school and college and have loved learning and growing together.
So much of the value that I see in myself is derived from being a student. I know that I am a valuable asset in my classes and know that I can produce great work. My GPA is something I hold so close to my heart, I guess too close. I know exactly where I stand in terms of my classmates and the rest of the university because my GPA tells me. Why do I derive so much value from that? How can I still see value in myself without a GPA? There’s no life GPA, you could make that happen though, food for thought.
I have told so many people that their value is given by you, God. Why can’t I believe that for myself? You have given me so much and blessed me with gifts to be used for your glory. My value is given. You have made me worthy. I wish I lived as if I believed that. Not constantly trying to earn worthiness and value. God, can you enter into that and help me see what you see in me regardless of anything I do or accomplish? Regardless of anything that I have crafted in myself, but how you have created me to be.
As I hang my student hat on the door, will you be with me through the anxiousness of losing part of my identity? Will you show me how to redefine my identity in you? I pray that I continually surrender these thoughts and feelings to you. God, you know I avoid these feelings like the plague. I know I can be the opposite of introspective, whatever that word is. I ask that you show me how to look inward, to the parts that I hide from myself, you, and others. Looking inward to rediscover who I am in you.
God, thank you for all you have given me. Help me God to show the messy side of myself more. I want others to see the dependency that I have on you. I want them to see how you’re working in me. As I enter the working world, help me to be a light and shine brightly for you. I want others to be encouraged by the presence you have in me. God, I’m yours. Thank you for calling me your child.
What season are you in right now? Are you letting God into your process? We are all in different stages and seasons, but we can be sure of our constant God to be present through it all. I encourage you to take that step that God is asking you to.
Jess- beautiful vulnerability, sweet girl! God goes before you and beside you and behind you! Take your next steps with confidence that He will continue writing you a sweet story full of adventure. You’ve Taken the first step- trust The Lord with all of your heart! ?????