Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
When my son was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot, I immediately wanted to know WHY. Physically, I ran out of the doctor’s office and wept, pacing back and forth, tasting the salt of my tears. Spiritually, I sat in the corner of the throne room and pouted, unable to look at the Lord because I was so hurt. When I was finally able to talk to God after a few hours of spiraling and too much time on Google, I asked Him, “Why?”
Then I waited.
I didn’t get an answer to my question that day, but I did learn a lot about our human desire for clarity in that season of appointments, surgery, and recovery for my three-month-old baby. It is natural to want finality, understanding, and clarity. Still, when we realize that our human comprehension isn’t big enough to grasp the will of God, we have to release our grip on the illusion of control and trust the Lord. Proverbs tells us this very clearly, when it instructs us to trust Him and not depend on our own understanding. I know, easier said than done.
I’m sure many of you have prayed for clarity, whether it was wondering if a dating relationship was right for you, before moving to a new city, or starting a new job. I get it, and I want to share a quote by Mother Teresa that helped me stop chasing the “Why?” And start moving toward the “How?” She said, “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”
When I looked at all of the things that could cause Tetralogy of Fallot, none of them applied to us, so I didn’t have a black-and-white answer. What I did have was an opportunity to trust. So, How?
Every day, I closed my eyes and imagined myself in front of the Lord. I imagined holding my
baby and praying, “Lord, I don’t understand, but I am here with you, and I am doing my best to
trust you with what is in front of us. Please remind us of your nearness. I know that’s a promise I
can depend on. Remind us of your nearness.” I anointed our home, prayed continuously, and
cried a lot. When I think of God’s promises, I of course think of a rainbow. So, I asked Him for
hope. “Lord, will you please send me a rainbow to remind me of your nearness?”
Friend, I have to tell you -I saw a rainbow every single day for MONTHS. I have tears in my
eyes just typing this because of how sweet each day was when I would see a rainbow in the sky, a prism, or a rainbow on whatever show my daughter was watching. Then, I told everyone about the rainbows, and they would see them, think of God’s nearness, and send them to me.
I’ll likely never understand the “Why?” behind human suffering, but when we are desperate to trust God, and we figure out “How,” His nearness becomes much clearer. I learned to trust God by actively being in the throne room every day, by looking for rainbows, anointing our home, and telling people about what I was asking of God. These trust exercises gave me peace to let go and move forward each day, whatever the day would hold. It made submission to Him possible even for this control freak!
If you’re walking through a tough situation, I hope you can put down the pursuit of black and white and start chasing rainbows.
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